forgiveness

Forgiveness, a simple word, but powerful. Depending on the situation it can mean more to any given individual than any other memory they hold dear in their heart of hearts. Websters says this about forgiveness. n 1: compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive 2: the act of excusing a mistake or offense [syn: pardon]. Beautiful isn't it. A simple exchange of words can mean so much. The funny thing about the act of forgiving is that it is a two way street. Usually there's a certain asertiveness that comes with forgiving someone for their actions against you. In that case one can experience closure and a certain assurance in their own viewpoint of the situation. One can never understand the full gravity of the word or act of forgiveness until you are the one pardoned. I have recently experienced the very feeling that comes with being relieved of the weight upon a conscience that only forgiveness can aleviate. It's not important in what context the forgiveness was offered, but the point is that there was great truth delivered to my heart in this moment of time. We all make mistakes, we all fail, we all stumble. It's reality and if you ever try to escape reality it will find a way of catching up to you. Sometimes within this reality our mistakes, failures, and stumbles are erased. Dissolved, evaporated as if they were never committed. To me that's a subtle reminder of the very sacrifice I live under as each day I live due to the forgiveness of a God that deemed his body of children worth saving. Life is sweet and worth cherising. I pray that all may feel the redeeming quality of an all encompassing forgiveness that restores your vision, integrity, and faith in what is real.

Life= non-linear

Everyone lives the same life, right? Child's born, child grows, graduates, get's perfect job, meets spouse, settles down, gets married, and has 2.3 children. That's how everyone's life progresses. That's how I used to think, somewhere in the back of my mind with every decision I made I thought that regardless of what happens my life will obtain this steady progression where everything will fall into place exactly when I want it to, because I was in God's favor. Not only is this a niave and lazy way to think, it's quite dangerous as well. Life lived under this philosophy is totally void of any responsibility or accountability.
I lived through four years of college going through a major that I knew I was supposed to pursue, but I never did it with my whole heart. My life had no purpose, goal, or joy and because of that my mind and my heart were disconnected. One had no idea where the other was. I was floating through life. This all changed when God gave me the kick in the balls I needed to wake me up.
My senior year in college I was in the middle of my easily progressing life waiting for the climax of my college career as I was entering student teaching, the final piece to my young adult life, but I was still living this noncommital life style. Life was all cake and ice cream after this. Well one thing lead to another and I dropped out of student teaching with a mere five weeks left. All of a sudden my life wasn't progressing, it was backsliding. How could this happen, why would it happen to me. I had God's favor, what could I do to lose it. You know what they say, use it or lose it. It was pretty obvious that I had failed to make use of the many opportunities God had given me and now it was time for me to decide what I wanted my life to be. All of a sudden I looked at my life and the cons totally outweighed the pros. I had a college degree, but what was I going to do with a general studies degree. I still lived with my parents at the time, I was 22 and I was still single. Somewhere along the line I lost that easy, comfortable progressive life I wanted to lead. Everything I thought college was going to bring into my life looked to be taken away by college. Soon after graduation I took a job as a youth for Christ director and I began to learn something about life I never realized. You get out of life what you put into life. Slowly, but surely I gained confidence in these talents that I thought weren't even there as I worked at YFC. The more of me I put into my job the more of the kids I got. They would share their lives, their fears, joys, and families with me. All of a sudden I looked around and I liked where I was. I loved my job, I was now living on my own, and life was happening. My life was in that steady progression again. That didn't last long. I was layed- off due to funding in April of 05. Okay so now I'm unemployed, I have a worthless degree, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Well to me that is as good of a time as any to pray. So I did. I poured my heart out to God everyday for provision and wisdom and trust. All through that summer he was there. I would paint this guys house, help roof that guys house, then another guy would want me to paint his house. Little my little I was making my life happen by acting on the gifts God would present to me. I was making it through the summer in an unusual zen like manner. August began to loom in the not so distant future and I knew that outside work wouldn't be available much longer. So one day as I was painting I reached a concensus in my heart of hearts. I could never do anything professional where I was not working with and encouraging children. 1 hour later I was talking with my former elementary school principal about getting a job at the local middle school as an instructional assistant. He had been looking for someone to fill the position and when he ran into my parents at lunch he learned that I was looking for a job. Since that particular position only required two years of college experience and I had an actual degree I was eligible. Within a week I had the job. After one semester of working there not only did I once again feel like education was the field for me, I had actual, tangible, heart felt evidence. Now I could see the big picture. If I couldn't see how I fit into the system as a teacher, then why would God put me in the middle of a situation as full time teacher when I wasn't ready. It was good that those weaknesses surfaced when they did instead of waiting until I passed student teaching and happened after taxpayers were paying my salary and getting nothing for it. He needed to equip me. He needed to show that I was capable of moblizing students to think about life differently. He needed to show me that I could be a functional member of a school staff. Through two jobs and a year and a half of related experiences I knew it was time.
Now I'm on the threshold of something huge. I'm currently planning to complete my teaching liscence in the coming year. No I'm not an acceptable age to take undergraduate classes, but what is age. It means nothing. No, I'm not where I wanted to be at 23 either, but I'm getting there and more importantly I feel God leading and guiding the entire process. No I'm not married, but what good is a broken man before he's been mended and charged for his second chapter. Now I see life in all of its facets and truly know what it is to be humble. To be discreetly aware of my shortcomings and talents and going in to situations that may challenge me with no fear. After all, life is not about me, it's about the result of the time I'm given. It's not about slowly building, it's about learning. Life not about falling, it's about always getting up with renewed mind, body, and spirit. It's about using those experiences to the glory of God.

clarity

It's come to my attention that clarity is completely underrated. This is why. I recently had my first eye exam and purchased glasses for the first time ever in my life. I knew there was something up a while ago, when I had to begin squinting to see street signs while driving. I've had vision insurance since September so I decided to take the plunge and do something about my poor vision. The day I visited the office to pick up my new glasses was amazing. I hadn't seen that well in two years. The lady fitting me for my glasses seemed elated that I was obtaining my first pair. She treated me like a first time mom or a newlywed it was hilarious. Who new that the colors around me were so vivid and the images in the world were so sharp and in focus. I am so excited that I'd like to mark these days with glasses as a rebirth. I know it sounds silly, but isn't rebirth in the figurative sense when you begin to see things in a different light. I wouldn't say the light is so much different as it is brighter and clearer, but we all need an update in vision now and then. Even Jesus needed to recharge his vision as he would disappear to reevaluate his place in God's kingdom. Maybe this is when I see life as bolder and sweeter, the mark of a new chapter in life... I don't know, we'll see. At least I will.

protocol

Protocol, eight letters, but when put together in the correct order they become quite powerful. Some would argue that much of an adult's life is ruled by protocol. Webster's says that protocol is a correct code of conduct. You know what, I have a problem with that definition. One could also argue that there is no specific protocol in society. That protocol is determined by the surroundings and situation of an individual. Society on the whole, however determines how valuable people are by how well the follow this often times vague idea of protocol. Say there's an individual that lives his life in the correct way for the most part, but every now and then his actions may go against a specific protocol in one way or another. He's never accused of a crime or constitutes a mass upheaval in a system, but the way he approaches something totally deletes his credibility simply because it was against protocol in the context of a situation. Does this mean that this person is a bad person, completely void of anything beneficial? I think our society often sends that message, and so we are left with a huge demographic of people out there who are disconnected and lost because they chose to look at something in a different light or do something in a different way. Is that right? I mean would God want us to live lives ruled by a specific plan of how things are done? I know plenty of people that in the context of their personal denomination in the Christian church approach God in a different way, and I'm pretty sure that they still experience and know Christ. Who's to say that they don't?
1 John 2: 15 says Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.
So therefore, I'm called not to love the world or the things in it, such as the protocol that we live under everyday. Whether it be that of my job or a code of conduct set up by the pastors at my church. I'm not saying that protocol is all bad and I believe there is a place for well thought out rules, but then again nothing can be all good either. I believe at times protocol can imprison people and hold them to an unhealthy standard. The reason why is because it is something that was man made. No man is perfect, and I know that I've dealt with people in the wrong way before so how can a specific protocol be right all the time. Our history is littered with people who have paid with blood for challenging protocol that was in place. I serve a God who sent his son to this world to do just that, so just as I am critical of putting certain things in my body or abstaining from certain types of activities because of his example in life shouldn't I be critical of how closely I follow man made rules that tell me how I'm supposed to approach every situation regardless of the details? Just like anything in this world that protocol can be fallible. In closing I wish that all of us would learn to analyze eveything and keep what is good, and by analyze I mean to truly wrestle and at times struggle with these basic ideas that we live under in our culture. I hope that we all can shed light on matters like these for one another as a community of Christ.

Linger

Lately I've been into searching for words on the internet. You know I'll read a book or a magazine and when I come across a word I've never seen or am not quite sure about I'll look it up. It's all part of my getting smarter '06 campaign. Well anyway I already knew what this word meant, but I decided to look up the definition for linger today just to see what it said. There were about four different definitions for the word, but the following was the one that stood out the most; To remain feebly alive for some time before dying. Powerful words. This hit me, because lately I've looked at my life in the terms of progression and to be completely honest I don't see very much of that taking place. I feel that within a majority of the situations that I've experienced I pray for them to end and I take the easy way out and take a deep breath when I don't have to deal with it anymore. That doesn't prevent it from reoccuring, it just allows it to be worse the second time around. In other words I'm lingering within this viscious cycle because I fail to learn anything the first time around and I never change anything. According to the definition of linger I'm am barely alive in my current state. In order to move on I must die to the very things that are killing me. Only then can I be fully alive. I must rip that part of me from me and separate myself from my tendencies that keep me from changing. Life is a series of instances where we fail over and over again until we fall for the last time and we go on with the knowledge we acquired through our mistakes and we bring life into that area of our existance. So yes, everyday I linger in some reoccuring attitude or habit, but in Christ I have hope that trascends all understanding that one day something in me will click and God will grant me bounty in this area of my life. The road block between us and this bounty is the lack of belief and faithfulness in our situation. The comforting part is the fact that God is always faithful to us. In knowing this I'm encouraged, but that doesn't make the current state of things any less frustrating. Then again faithfulness is being hopeful in occasional bleak circumstances.

real love

So I just watched a documentary entitled "Grizzly Man." It's the story of a man by the name of Timothy Treadwell, who for thirteen years lived in the wilderness of Alaska studying Grizzly Bears. I know this sounds odd, strange, and anything you could see on the discovery channel, but there was something different and unusual about the way Tim approached his craft. His true, number one goal was to become a bear, yes I said it, become a bear. He truly was an oddity, but so on the edge and some would say unsafe that he would blatantly disregard rules set by park services to protect people who went to watch bears in this particular part of Alaska. He would regularly get within an arm's length of the bears which was well within the one hundred yard mark set by the law. In Tim's case he wasn't studying an animal, but he was building relationships actually becoming family with these ferocious beasts that he spent his time with. Tim eventually succumbed to an aggressive bear that by nature reacted to someone outside of his habitat and devoured Tim and his guest in 2002. The one thing that Tim says repeatedly in the film is that he would never give up what he did with these bears. His attachment to them had extended far beyond a casual man and animal relationship. His work and relationships with these animals had allowed him to deal with his own demons and in a way was therapy for Tim. Tim firmly believed that he was protecting these bears by being in their presence. Protecting them from poachers and outside threats. He was constantly aware of the dangers and realized that he could die at any time, but continued in his work. He loved them so much that when he was confronted with the end of his life he did not scream or wail, but he merely moaned in recognition of the pain as he was eaten alive by the very thing he loved so much, more than his own life.
This may truly sound ridiculous. To love something that could kill you at any moment. Not only to love, but to love without any concern of your well being. Isn't that the true meaning of love. Isn't that where life is truly found, loving another without any concern of yourself. Some would argue that this was the very love that killed Jesus and many others in modern day who have died for their beliefs or loved ones. The same love that fueled Jesus' ministry and lead him to say "forgive them for they know not what they do," as he died on a cross at the hands of the very people he loved. Love has such a way of changing us so profoundly that we look beyond selfish, petty desires to the conservation of the very thing that we love. I'm covered in the blood of a Saviour that loved me so much he gave his life for me without any thought of himself. When we are confronted with the existence of this type of love in our modern society we write it off as lunacy, but for me I praise Jesus that he continues to find new, creative and relevant ways to remind of this all encompassing and gripping love that still perpetuates itself in the world today.